You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Randomize
