walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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