I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
