yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Randomize
