I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
