Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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