I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
