Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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