no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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