We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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