i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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