I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Couch. On fire.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
