seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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