your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
