so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
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