Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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