if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
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