I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
