I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
