he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
