I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
