it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
