You just made me feel so damn special
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
