just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
