My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Randomize
