I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
