There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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