The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
