I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Randomize
