You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
