Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
