sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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