she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
