I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
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