Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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