She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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