...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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