how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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