just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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