i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
