I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
