you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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