Christians are straight up FREAKS
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
