I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
