sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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