For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
