never play flip cup with pint glasses
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
