Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
My bed is full of blood and feathers
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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