pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
