Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
